My responsibility is the physical, mental and emotional health of myself and to an extent, my loved ones. I am responsible for my actions and words, and the impact I have on the environment.

It is a conscious choice to make these impacts (on people, animals, the environment) positive ones... but that is the problem isn't it? I feel that the day I reach the point where these impacts are positive by default, and not choice, I would've attained my own personal nirvana.

It's a far reality, but a girl can dream... right? ;)

I've smoked upwards of 20 cigarettes a day for the last 11 years. I quit cold turkey, 4 days ago. I'm writing this so that if I ever slip up and smoke, I can quickly access what I went through to quit - without the dilution that memory alows.

Here's what's happened since Friday.

I quit smoking on my way to work on Friday morning.. just like that - it felt right, I guess. I haven't smoked a ciggie since.

Late afternoon Friday, I feel that have gotten cross eyed... am chasing faces.. very disoriented.
(I read later that this was because there were no 'stimulants' in my bloodstream, and because I follow a breakfast + 2 meals a day eating plan, my sugar levels had been through a massive roller coaster ride during the post-lunch period. So much so, that I had trouble telling if the floor was slanted (which it wasn't of course!!) Of course, I wasn't giving in to candy cravings.)

Friday evening - oh joy!! Work is over! Will go home and sleep! Yay!!
Wait... sleep? At 7pm? Uh. Yeah. Bushed. Can hardly keep eyes open during ride home.

10pm Friday evening - extremely ill Atul is throwing up, am zombieing about the apartment, trying to fix him some tea, with the right ingredients.

10.30 or 11ish - passed out in front of the TV... wake up as Atul is sneakily smoking a ciggie... Have big cranky argument about something I have no recollection of, cry a bucket of tears, announce hatred for Atul, eat processed (comfort) food. (I read later that these humongous mood swings are EXPECTED! And there is a chance that I can still turn into a raving loon)

Saturday morning - feel like a million bucks... bautiful resty sleep. Ah! Lovely... Am an EX-SMOKER!!! YAY!!!!

Late Saturday morning - unable to complete morning rituals without ciggie... intestines will not cooperate. (Looked this up, still have not found anything)

Saturday afternoon - Head out for chores with Atul. Blood sugar and blood pressure plummets while in the car, feel like ears are encased in cotton, and eyes can't take in much light. Am force fed some coffee (after six years.... damn!!!). Regain ability to walk into bank without looking like I'm on LSD. Almost unable to sign checks.

Late Saturday afternoon - sleep

Saturday evening - TV, processed food, cranky behaviour, snapping at the dogs, dozing in and out of sleep.

Saturday 9pm - wide awake! head for dinner with Tony in a non-smoking restaurant. Lovely food, too much wine. Asleep in the car, within 30 seconds of Atul starting it up. Awake 30 seconds later as Atul and Tony are smoking in the car... Asleep 15 seconds later. Near zero recollection of getting into bed.

Sunday morning - feel like a million bucks... bautiful resty sleep. Ah! Lovely... Am an EX-SMOKER!!! YAY!!!!
 
Late Sunday morning - in car with Atul, blood sugar and pressure plummeting again... more coffee... (crap!)

Sunday afternoon - started out gorgeous... spent 5 hours reading at bookstore. Ate and ate and ate though. Lots of comfort food. (crap!) Ate mostly as needed to keep hands busy... then wanted a ciggie so bad that I could've chewed my arm off. (Love this bookstore.... used to read all day here. Grab brekkie, read. Take a break, smoke, read, take a break, smoke, read, take a break, smoke, read, take a break, smoke, read, take a break, Lunch, read, smoke, read, take a break, smoke, read, take a break, smoke, read, you get the picture!) Felt like my eyes were going to pop with all that reading... insane... I can't read without a ciggie break??? So tempted, yet abhorred. Focused on food. and the book.

Sunday evening - Atul's here!!! Never been happier to see him. It was his job to keep me motivated now! Drive back home, constantly eating skittles... one color at a time (going to be so fat... crap!) Giving Atul synopsis of book read... and realise that reading speed has suffered... feel slower in general too!! OMG... have I??

Sunday night - WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WEEKEND?? Seemed to have zombed through the whole thing... want to smoke... practically salivating at the thought. Have such a heavy head again... sugar and pressure plummeting again. Eat big salad. Asleep at 10pm. Hate stupid self for being so sleepy, ALL THE TIME!!

Monday morning - feel like a million bucks... bautiful resty sleep. Ah! Lovely... Am an EX-SMOKER!!! YAY!!!!

In the car - listening to Tony Robbins... feel good, am ex-smoker, yeah!!

Within 10 mins of being in the office - want to go home. Head heavy, blood sugar and pressure plummeting... now I really want a SMOKE! Really can't be this way at work... horrified.
Noon - want to curl up and stop looking anywhere... sugar plummet...

Lunch - am human again... literally feel the fog lift. Still feel very s-l-o-w... almost as if sedated..

3pm - somebody please take me home!! back to wanting to curl up... cold sweat..?!?!? This is insane... stuff self with candy.

4pm - read article on how nicotine affects metabolism of sugar, boy have I been going about this the wrong way!!

8pm - very alive... very satiated, albeit with junk food (nothing healthy available near the office... seriously!), no urge to smoke. :) Still feel like a slow cow... mentally. UGH.

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

Ok, I'm back.

Amending previous note to self: Must always write post when in the middle of an epiphany or thought flow - helps channelise, and make sense of the whole thing rather than take off on a tangent. The next few blogs will relate to the branches of the tree that has sprouted from this afternoon's ephiphany!!

So I flashed back on the way I've dealt with competition... obvious right? If I had all of these beleifs about not being 'as good' I was competing. Guess what? I am SO ASHAMED. Do you know what my process has been?? Eliminating competition. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of a competitor! OH MY GAWD!!! Ok, I haven't had anyone killed, but I'm guilty of a whole lot of other stuff. My idealism doesn't allow me to use unfair means, so I went through the straight route - outwork the competition.

I worked in the dog-eat-dog environment of a customer care center. It was difficult to get noticed among the 600 odd people (back then) who did exactly the same thing you did. So I went out and networked, sniffed out opportunities, and carved my niche. All good so far. I liked niches. Just one person fits a niche... so all good. Then, the niche expanded. And I fought for my turf tooth and nail. I spent crazy hours at the office, I often worked through as much as 4 days of workload in advance, and created backlogs (in advance!) for the other occupants of 'my' niche. These folks had two choices - perform, or perish. And you know what the dark, dirty secret is? I knew they couldn't put in those hours.
I was really efficient. I was twice as efficient as most of them (no exaggeration) - this was my turf, I knew it well, and I had the upper hand of experience. I didn't need to do this at all. I set the pace so high, that they couldn't keep up. And naturally, dropped off, one by one. Each time this happened, I was the king of my castle again, and I was comfortable. In the 3 years I did this for, I went from being a reasonably happy, social person to someone who worked. That's all I did. WORK. 18-20 hours a day. For 3 years. Till my body gave up. That's when I realised that I needed balance... till 3 days ago, I beleived this to be the reason for me burning out and quitting my job. I know better now. What a NUT!! Of course, 'Balance' is the reason for me working like a normal regular person at my current job, but I guess that's more fear (of being that sick again) driven.

I know now that another issue that has been sabotaging me is deservability. Because I am not so 'intelligent'. CORRECTION: because I am not the most intelligent, advantageuos, or the least intelligent, most disadvantaged, I don't deserve stuff.

What a lethal combination. I get past the issue of not being the most advantageous and think "So what? I'm going to go get it anyway! Yessir, I will!!" And I go smack dab into deservability. "But.... I don't deserve it. There are other people who've worked harder, who are smarter, who have more money..." and on the polar opposite "There are so many people who don't get this opportunity... its not fair... I can't take this... I shouldn't... he/she can use this better..." What a load of garbage!!!! And I beleive this stuff enough to subconsciously sabotage myself... wow..! Talk about self confidence man! And I really thought CORRECTION: beleived, that I was a well adjusted confident individual! EEEEK!!!!!

WOW.

This is insanity I guess. You know, like the mad guy who thinks he's perfectly sane... how crazy have I been?? How DELUSIONAL!! (Laughing fit coming up again!) OH MY GAWD!!! LOL!!!!

Ok, going to go compose myself again, and come back and write about my treacherous mind!

That's quite a lot to think about huh? ;)

I've just hadthe most productive, the most fantastic weekend of my life. FULL STOP. I can't think of a time when I learnt more about myself, and the proceses that make me ME. During this weekend, I walked on fire, broke a wooden board with my bare hands, and bent a steel bar with my throat. It was crazy. It was scary. And I DID IT.

I've been floating on the cool factor of having done this stuff for the last couple of days. We were told to analyse our thought processes while doing these tasks, which is something I didn't do just then as there was just so much adrenaline going through me that I thought I'd take off and start bouncing off the walls and ceiling! And then this morning, the realisations started pouring in.

How do I approach new things in life? I am an enthusiastic, energetic person, I go into it all guns blazing of course!!

WRONG.

I hesitate.
I linger.
I procrastinate.
I wait and watch.
I let others do it first, while I watch in the sidelines.
And I do it then.
I am NOT a leader.
I am a sideliner.
I look for excuses, so I can blame my failure on them.... even before I start something. 

Imagine my shock at these thoughts! At first I damped out a little, and then I had this ridiculous mental (cartoon) image of me at various points in my life, urging others, always encouraging, coaching people using my own life experiences as examples where I....had glossed over the details... (I digress, that is another post) I couldnt help but laugh... my self chatter had lied to me all these years. I had been lying to myself!! EEK!! And given the fact that the way you do something is the way you do everything... OH MY GAWD!!!!!

No frigging wonder. Why is an intelligent kid like me so 'uneducated'?
Because, I dont beleive I am so frigging intelligent in the first place.
Rewind, replay: I dont beleive that I am the most intelligent, hence, I am not the one with the most advantage, hence I may lose. GAAAAH!!!! I can't beleive how much I have conspired against myself! What a frigging ninny!!

I have another bout of uncontrollable laughter coming up now... I haven't felt this light in years... what a great realisation huh? I was intimidated all of these years... by whom?? I dunno... some kid who ran faster, drew better, sang better, scored better in scool, was a better orator... OH MY GAWD!! I was GOOD at all of that stuff!! And I gave it up!!! OH MY GAWD!!!! (Really, really laughing now!! Note to self: write post after epiphany, not during!) Oh gosh... what a NUT!!

Speechless. Laughing.

Will continue in a bit... have to compose self... having mad laughter fit! OH MY GAWD!!!!!! LOL!!!

Ok, this is a pay it forward (in knowledge/awareness transfer terms). :) If you've seen this, then post it on your own blog, so others can be aware of this too.

Like my very wise friend Gien says, most things spoken of in Gaia amount to preaching to the converted... we all know (at some level) something about most of the things that are discussed here. You are aware of what is happening to our environment, the speed of the change, and what your contribution needs to be. But its worth reminding yourself, and serving as a reminder to others who will read your blog, and post it on their own.

Gien jolted my awareness towards climatic change here: 6 Degrees....of separation?....no of annihilation!

The NatGeo page is available here. Don't forget to watch the 6 videos that talk about the impact of each degree of increase in global temperature.

I hope you're jolted too.

I just finished watching this Ted talk, and its blown my mind... both halves of it!!

A little precis about it:
Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story about how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another.

MUST MUST watch.

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229

Love, light and learning,

Shriyansi :)

P.S. Mouth is still hanging open...

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I would love to finish reading all the books on my ever evolving-growing 'books to read' list, including all the books I may have added in there the day before I die! Like they say... the chase is so much more fun...! ;)

Ok, I'm going to sound like a total love-sick puppy... but what the hell, I am one!!

This one is Atul - hands down... there is so much planning that happened somewhere-up-there to bring us together, that it astounds me! Here's the story, I'll try to keep it short, but do tend to get carried away when talking about him, so no guarantees! ;)

Atul and I first met nearly a decade ago - I had a huge (secret) crush on him then, but found out he was seeing a close friend of mine, so didn't pursue it. Through her, I got to know Atul in the role of a boyfriend.... the kind of boyfriend you want to protect your friends from (especially when you're in your teens)! He remembers me as that pesky friend of his girlfriend that kept giving her ideas - you know, the kind of ideas that cause boyfriends to sit up and take notice, make changes to their attitudes... etc. etc. We were civil, purely because we were both close (nearly inseperable) to the same person.

In the three years that followed, both of us went through tremendous chaos in our lives individually - a lot was learned. We were never there for one another at the time, but knew of the pain the other was going through. Too much ego, and having our own troubles prevented any cordial contact. I moved away a few months later, and didnt keep in touch.

For the 5-6 years that followed, we each followed and eventually broke our patterns of seeking, finding and losing love. If I go into details here, It'd take me a week to pen it down, but suffice it to say that we were each heading up a path where we were subconsciously looking for the kind of person the other had become. Of course, on the conscious level, we were both cynics... not interested in relationships of the romantic kind, no interest in being 'tied down to another person' and other notions that kept us safe and cocooned.

We met again 2 years ago under the most bizarre circumstances... felt instant attraction, but each immediately turned away as we thought we knew what the other person was about. This is where Fate really lost her patience, and decided to do something more direct and dramatic - she gave Atul a chance to rescue me from a pretty dangerous situation... and then ensured we had just enough time together immediately after to get to know the new and improved people we had become.

That crazy night went by in a haze for me. All I really remember is waking up in the morning, pretty bewildered... and then I remember this one conversation that went in slow motion - where it all clicked into place.

With our new eyes, it was love at first sight. It took all of 10 minutes. (He admits to this too!)

Since then, we've been inseperable. And I mean instantly. I didn't go home all day, that day. We used to work shifts at our respective jobs, and thought nothing of travelling at odd times of day and night to see each other for just a few minutes. Less than 2 months later, Atul had moved to an apartment that was a stone's throw away from my parents' house. A month later I had moved in. A month after that, we'd both changed jobs (we actually got hired by our respective employers the same day) to regular day jobs that allowed us more time with each other. If that wasnt enough, our offices were at a walking distance from one another! Click, click, click! It literally felt like the universe was conspiring away!!

It hasn't been a bed of roses, of course. We've been through more or less the same things that a lot of couples in our situation and at our age have been through. What I am really happy about, is the grace with which we managed these situations, and ourselves in them - no matter how bad things got, we never despaired; we did our best to keep each other and selves out of negative states, cheered one another on, and kept ourselves happy. It clicked.

Today, Atul is self employed and living his dream; I have a job that I love; we have 2 beautiful , healthy dogs; and are in the process of moving to an even better apartment that overlooks the sea.

Oh yeah, it still clicks.

Just watched this brilliant TED talk about.... perspective. Some absolutely brilliant ideas: here!